[Lucius]

this is a good point... adding some more imagery would help a lot

[SparrowHawk]

i disagree.. if it was in 1st person i feel like it would be a bit awkward.. the way its stated is pretty good... remember the point isnt the wording.. just whats going on...

Excuse me?

It is ALL about the wording, prose, poetry, and literature is the art of manipulating orthodox and unorthodox words. You have just inflicted undue evil to the greatest artisanship To ever see the light gleam off fresh morning dew.

You sir, have wronged the job of a writer. We are artists, handymen who craft our trade with painstaking detail to every line, to every character in the passage.

To say that the wording matters not is blasphemy, an abomination to the artist side of writing.

You misunderstood what i was saying... i meant that changing up the wording so it sounds more sophisticated would make no difference.. the story being in 3rd person helps u create a better view to the audience. Using more sophisticated writing isnt suited for this particular audience... not all of them would be able to understand it remember this is a game with many young players..

Ah, Well I prefer more sophisticated words that are majestic and grand, but I do believe you have a point, Grey is good at reaching this audience.

However, on my original point, the story has the 'Its there, that's it" feel. It kinda lacks the buildup of suspense IMO. POV might help, but you may be right, it might not aid the tale.

But when i Here "So and so walked into camp and saw this and this" Its just so, bland, I mean, it kinda fails to colour the scene. Yes, it did fulfill its purpose, but It would be much more fun to know what color the camp tent is, is it perhaps holding some rainwater from the recent storm and reflecting a faint rainbow in the sky? is the fire burning bright hot, or is it simmering coals (maybe there is no fire at all because of the rain making all the wood wet!)

I understand what you're getting at and I know it could make Grey a better writer if he added some more details that could help the audience's imagination view :/ Idk what I just said. I coulda re-worded that better >.<

Umm... Adjectives yes!

[Pein]

u guys are confusing me

[Lucius]

lmao yes adjectives ftw!

EDIT: Pein's comment concludes my point lol

[SparrowHawk]

Well.. Grey, Deidara hopes to see more of your work '-'

Don't make it disappoint or else he would start up on fan fictions again. You know I don't want that <_< And other people don't either. They are horrible lol

[Pein]

lol yea they are dei and dark to many things to read

[Nitz_X]

Dark, I concede based on Pein's submission to this thread that such a caliber of craftsmanship would totally numb Grey's audience.

Adjectives, but not in excess. Don't give one noun 50 Adjectives, because we will forget the first 45 of them before we interpret the noun lol.

[SparrowHawk]

Dark, I concede based on Pein's submission to this thread that such a caliber of craftsmanship would totally numb Grey's audience.

Adjectives, but not in excess. Don't give one noun 50 Adjectives, because we will forget the first 45 of them before we interpret the noun lol.

Didn't mean it like that.. I meant around 3-4 that could work up the audience's five senses and make them hear what the characters are hearing and make them visualize on what the characters are seeing '-'

When it comes to food.. Describe the aroma and flavor to enhance the reader's taste o-o

That's what Dei meant. Dei don't explain well much and ends up talking in third person.

[Pein]

im not talking bout grey's thing its awesome when you guys quote it confuses me and makes me not want to read it

[Nitz_X]

Dark, I concede based on Pein's submission to this thread that such a caliber of craftsmanship would totally numb Grey's audience.

Adjectives, but not in excess. Don't give one noun 50 Adjectives, because we will forget the first 45 of them before we interpret the noun lol.

Didn't mean it like that.. I meant around 3-4 that could work up the audience's five senses and make them hear what the characters are hearing and make them visualize on what the characters are seeing '-'

When it comes to food.. Describe the aroma and flavor to enhance the reader's taste o-o

That's what Dei meant. Dei don't explain well much and ends up talking in third person.

That is exactly what we need, To fill the five senses.

Basically the same thing I was saying.

[Ghost]

Scyther doesn't fly even though its a flying type, it said in a pokedex i saw online that it hardly uses its wings to fly, keep that in mind if your useing him(:

[Grey]

Ahah, thanks for the heads up Ghost. Also, he was just kinda gliding through the story. He never really flew flew...Though, I'll keep that in mind next chapter.

[Ghost]

Lol i only siad it cus you said this...
It dives underwater while Scyther and Starly fly up higher.

[Grey]

Ah, okay...well, hopefully the readers will forgive that bit of improper studying into the Pokemon. I'm not a hardcore fan, so I have to search up alot of stuff, lol. I honestly didn't know what berry cured poison, so while I was thinking about it, I made Evan do it in the story. FACT

[HellFire Phoniex]

I LOVE THIS! IT'S SO FUNNY! XD

[orboknown]

I love how out of all the comments about the technique of writing,grey keys in on "scyther doesnt fly"

[SparrowHawk]

I love how out of all the comments about the technique of writing,grey keys in on "scyther doesnt fly"

Lmfao XD

[orboknown]

yupp.^

[Grey]

Well, most of the other comments were people talking back and forth, there wasn't much insight from them... @.@

[orboknown]

it was all about how YOU could improve YOUR writing

[Nitz_X]

Well, most of the other comments were people talking back and forth, there wasn't much insight from them... @.@

We discussed a skill that every writer MUST develop at some point (unless you write statistical analyses).

I'm totally offended that you Think me and dark were "Talking". We were conversing for you to see why you needed to change what you did.

[SparrowHawk]

And I was telling Nitz not to be mean

lmfao jk

[Nitz_X]

And I was telling Nitz not to be mean

lmfao jk

That was not mean. It was constructive criticism.