PR Chapter 2: Stampedes, Beedrills, and Poliwraths! (Part 2)

Grey · (This post was last modified: 2011-09-23, 06:54 PM by Grey.)

Pokemon Rausten

Chapter Two: Stampedes, Beedrills, and Poliwraths!

(Part 2)

After the incident with the Tauros, Evan was rather tired of all the excitement. He decided he'd rather go on a peaceful walk through the Sera Woods. After he and Totodile pack up some extra snacks and water, they head out. Evan's favorite place to go was the forest. It was so peaceful and quiet, he felt completely alone with nature. He would sit out there for hours, pretending he was a trainer. Now he actually got to go down the Pokemon trails. As he and Totodile were admiring the beauty of the forest, they heard slashing and buzzing overhead. Evan looked up and saw a Scyther slash it's way through the branches. He watched it as it flew through the trees, with a huge swarm of Beedrills right behind it! The Beedrills were launching thousands of poison needles at Scyther, who was avoiding most, but still getting hit. One of the Beedrills catches up to Scyther and hits it with Twineedle. Evan had to stop them. "Totodile, use water gun and get rid of them!" Totodile nods and starts blasting the swarm. After a few minutes, the Beedrills finally decide to leave. Evan runs over to the Scyther, who's lying on the ground, badly poisoned. "Oh no," Evan says, "I wish I had a full restore...Hold on Scyther, I have to find a way to get you healed.

Evan runs off into the forest, looking for berries. He finds some Sitrus berries growing, so he takes some of those. "Those will heal it...now to help with the poison...what berry heals poison?" he pulls out his Pokemon handbook from his back pocket. He turns to the berry page. "Okay, Pecha berries..." He looks at the picture and starts looking around. He spots some growing on a branch above his head. "Oh man..." he thinks. He spies a stick long enough to reach at the base of the tree. He picks it up and takes a whack at the branch. The berry falls off it's stem and comes down. Evan catches it and runs back to where Scyther and Totodile are.

When Evan gets back, he sees that Totodile had gotten a large leaf and put some water in it for Scyther. The Scyther was lying on it's back, breathing heavily. Evan crouches down beside it. "Here Scyther," he says as he puts the Pecha in it's mouth. "Eat this, it will help you." Scyther slowly chews the Pecha berry. After a few minutes it manages to sit up and take the Sitrus berries. It gets up and gets into a fighting stance. "Oh, so you're fighting ready, huh?" Evan says, "Come on Totodile, get ready." Totodile run over to Evan, eager to battle.

Once they were ready, Evan released the first attack. "Go Totodile, use scratch!" Totodile jumped at Scyther and swung his claws. Scyther was too quick for that, it jumped up into the air and brought one of it's blades down on Totodile's head. "Oh no!" Evan said. "Come on buddy, get him with your bite!" Totodile got up and jumped again, this time aiming for Scyther's wing. Scyther saw this and turned quickly, with Totodile flying past. Scyther swung back around and hit Totodile again with a hard cut. Totodile fell to the ground, dazed and unable to fight. "Totodile!" Evan shouted, "Here buddy, have a nice rest." He returned Totodile to his ball. Evan pulled out Pidgey's ball. "Come on Pidgey, please do this for me. Come on out Pidgey, use Gust!" Evan tossed the ball and Pidgey flew out. Pidgey saw Scyther coming and dodged it. He used Gust and pushed Scyther into a tree. Scyther hit a tree branch and grabbed on. It swung up on the branch, faced Pidgey and gave a shout. It flew towards Pidgey, scythes at the ready. "Pidgey, avoid it and hit it with Peck!" Pidgey flew out of Scyther's way and came back at it. Pidgey's beak connected several times with Scyther, bringing it down to the ground. Scyther swung at Pidgey, who easily jumped over the scythe and sent up some dust. While Scyther tried to clear the sand in it's face, Pidgey charged up a Steel Wing and slammed into Scyther. Scyther went down and Evan saw his opportunity. "Whoa Pidgey, was that Steel Wing? Awesome! Now I'll catch it!" Evan took a Pokeball and tossed it at Scyther. The ball shook 3 times in quick intervals, then locked into place. "Hahah, yeah!" Evan said excitedly, "I gotta Scyther!" He picked up the ball and put it in his carrying case. "Come on Pidgey, we gotta go heal up." He returned Pidgey to his ball and ran back to the lab.

Once he got to the lab, Evan gladly showed off his new team. "Well Evan," Professor Oak said after taking the Pokeballs out of the healing machine. "It looks like you're getting along quite nicely. I think you're ready to try out the first gym. It's located in Cyrem City. The leader's name is Neimi, and she's quite fond of the fire type. Her team consists of Charmander, Growlithe, and a Koffing. I have here a ticket that will get you across the river to get to Cyrem City." He hands Evan a ticket. "Now you might want some supplies before challenging Neimi, so here's three thousand PokeDollars, you should stop off at the mart in Cyrem and buy some potions. Now off you go." The Professor follows Evan to the dock and waves him farewell as the ferry takes off from the dock.

Once on the ferry Evan is greeted by a boy who looks about 13 with short blonde hair. "Hey there," the boy says, "I can't help but notice those Pokeballs, so you're a trainer too? By the way, I'm Jared." The boy sticks out his hand. Evan shakes it slowly and slightly confused. "Um, hello..." Evan says, "I'm Evan. So you're a trainer? Are you gonna do the gym challenge too?" Jared says, "Pleasure to meet you Evan, and no I'm not doing the gym challenge. Me, Treeko, and Starly are competing in the contests, we've been practicing our moves alot!" Evan pulls out his Pokeballs. "Well me, Totodile, Pidgey, and Scyther are gonna do the gym challenge and try and catch all the Pokemon." "Wow," Jared says, "You have a Totodile? Can I see?" As Evan starts to send out Totodile, a whistle goes off and the boat comes to a halt. "What's going on?" Evan asks. "I don't know," Jared replies, "Let's go find out!" The boys run towards the front of the deck.

The front of the deck was total chaos. People and their Pokemon were running every whichway. Evan sees the captain at the front and walks up to him. "Excuse me," he says to the old man, "What's going on with everyone?" The captain sighs and shakes his head. "I'm sorry boys," he says, "I'm afraid we won't get moving till we get rid of this Poliwrath. It's been wreaking havoc all along the river, just attacking boats, taking food and other things from everyone. It's a menace, if only we had strong trainers, most of our passengers are just Pokemon fans." Evan and Jared look at each other. "We're trainers!" they say together, "We can help!" The captain smiles, "Ho ho ho," he laughs, "Thanks for the offer boys, but I'm afraid you might not be enough for it." Evan gets a determined look on his face. "Well, we have to try!" The captain points them towards the water. "Be my guest then."The boys nod and take a rowboat into the water.

Once in the water, they spot the Poliwrath floating on it's back a few yards in front of the boat. It sees them and sits up. It punches it's fists in their direction, challenging them. "Ready Jared?" Evan asks. Jared nods. "Okay then," Evan says, "Come on out Scyther!" he tosses his Pokeball out. "Let's do this Starly!" Jared shouts as he throws his. Starly and Scyther pop out and fly above the water. "Scyther," Evan says, "Go hit that thing with Fury Cutter!" Scyther flies off towards Poliwrath. "Starly, go get it with your Wing Attack!" Jared says as Starly follows Scyther. The two pokemon get to Poliwrath and start to attack. Poliwrath begins swinging it's fists wildy, knocking them away. It dives underwater while Scyther and Starly fly up higher. "Where'd it go?" Evan asks. "I don't see it." Jared says. Suddenly, the Poliwrath bursts out of the water towards Starly. Scyther quickly intercepts it and hits it with Fury Cutter. It falls into the water and swims away, not wanting to fight. "Yeah!" Jared shouts, "We did it Evan!" The boys return their Pokemon to their balls and get back on the boat.

"Thank you boys," the captain says, "You saved our boat from a terrible fate. When we get to Cyrem City, I'll treat you boys to lunch." The captain pats them both on the shoulder. "Awesome!" Jared says, "I could go for a free meal." The captain laughs and walks off. The boys sit down with their Pokemon. "You did great Evan," Jared says, "You'll definitely beat Neimi." Evan smiles, "You think so?" Jared nods, "I know so." The boys take out their Pokemon and relax a bit. Jared marvels over Totodile. "So this is Totodile, huh?" he asks. "Yup." Evan says. Jared picks Totodile up and rubs his snout. "He sure is a cute little guy." Totodile hops out of Jared's hands, curls up on Evan, and goes to sleep. "Yeah, he is." Evan says, "I hope we can take Neimi's team. Totodile's my only Pokemon that could take down her fire types." Jared pets Totodile. "Well, maybe we could find another water type or something in Cyrem." Evan looks towards Cyrem City, where the sun is shining off the tops of buildings. "Maybe." he says.

To be continued in the next chapter:

Evan's First Gym, Neimi the Fire Queen!

((Didn't I say I'd keep my promise? Hope you guys liked this one. You know the drill, comment, tell me any mistakes, perhaps give me some ideas. Also, today is gonna be a poll. What do you think of a love interest for Evan?))

orboknown · 2011-09-23, 06:26 PM

Nice job. I dont feel like making corrections XD
you better make chapter three this time Dodgy

Grey · 2011-09-23, 06:31 PM

Don't worry, my young Padawan. I have so much free time on my hands, I'm writing chapters in advance. I'm already working on three and have ideas for four as we speak. Tongue

orboknown · 2011-09-23, 06:33 PM

NIce!
and im not a padawan-.-

Grey · (This post was last modified: 2011-09-23, 06:37 PM by Grey.)

I know right?

and yes you are! Until you can lift the boulder with the force, you are a Padawan!

SparrowHawk · 2011-09-23, 06:42 PM

*Slaps Grey*

AHEM!

Part 1 : Pidgey knows Gust, Peck, and Sand attack.

Part 2 : Without any information on Pidgey's battle records, it somehow learns Fury Attack and Steel Wing.

I would like to know what happened here Dodgy

Grey · (This post was last modified: 2011-09-23, 06:54 PM by Grey.)

Oh god, I did awful!!! D: I fixed it now.

SparrowHawk · 2011-09-23, 06:58 PM

(2011-09-23, 06:53 PM)Grey Wrote: Oh god, I did awful!!! D: I fixed it now.

Such earliness learning the Steel Wing '-' lol but it's okay xD

Grey · 2011-09-23, 07:00 PM

Hey, my Pidgey's super beast. He learns what he wants. He's gonna use fire blast next chapter. Tongue

SparrowHawk · 2011-09-23, 07:02 PM

(2011-09-23, 07:00 PM)Grey Wrote: Hey, my Pidgey's super beast. He learns what he wants. He's gonna use fire blast next chapter.

Lmao XD But no. U better not '-' I will slap you and take all your food.

U shuld make Totodile learn Aqua Tail in the next chapter o-o He wuld be a total beast! Aqua Tail is an awesome move o-o That would soooo own Neimi.

o-o

Grey · 2011-09-23, 07:08 PM

I'll use it on Growlithe. =3 Thanks for the idea Dei Dei.

SparrowHawk · 2011-09-23, 07:11 PM

(2011-09-23, 07:08 PM)Grey Wrote: I'll use it on Growlithe. =3 Thanks for the idea Dei Dei.

No Problemo o-o

Just call me Dei or Pheles ;3

Grey · 2011-09-23, 07:13 PM

Okay Dokay...By the way, what do you think of a love interest for Evan? @.@

SparrowHawk · 2011-09-23, 07:23 PM

(2011-09-23, 07:13 PM)Grey Wrote: Okay Dokay...By the way, what do you think of a love interest for Evan? @.@

noooooooooooooooooooooooooo

it could be blind love?

I'm not a fan of love lol sry XD

Nitz_X · 2011-09-23, 07:23 PM

I got about halfway through, and I had to stop. its just so cut and dry, the style of writing...

You need to put more emotion into it. Don't just "Walk" in on things.

You need to learn to show, not tell.

However, I remark that you possess a solid storyline.

Grey · (This post was last modified: 2011-09-23, 07:48 PM by Grey.)

Well, thanks for crushing my dreams Nitz...

Sorry for not having years of practice writing stories. This is my second attempt at some creative writing, but thanks for the most hurtful criticism one could give.

Nitz_X · 2011-09-23, 08:55 PM

(2011-09-23, 07:27 PM)Grey Wrote: Well, thanks for crushing my dreams Nitz...

Sorry for not having years of practice writing stories. This is my second attempt at some creative writing, but thanks for the most hurtful criticism one could give.

Hurtful criticism?

I didn't tell you stop did I?

You just need to learn some techniques. You can do this, but you need to learn the techniques, and they are not something that you gin overnight. you will write flop after flop after flop. its part of gaining proficiency.
I want you to keep going.

And stop complaining.

I'm sorry if this hurt you feelings, but you really need to learn how to show, not tell.

Lucius · 2011-09-23, 09:58 PM

i think its really good Big Grin

very nice use of imagery Big Grin

Pein · 2011-09-23, 10:00 PM

i like it nice story ope chapter 3 is as good or even better

Nitz_X · 2011-09-23, 10:05 PM

Hey Grey, I'd like a favor from you please.

Can you try to write the next chapter in first person and see if that helps?

There is kinda... The POV doesn't seem to fit, it feels kinda awkward.

Lucius · 2011-09-23, 10:08 PM

i disagree.. if it was in 1st person i feel like it would be a bit awkward.. the way its stated is pretty good... remember the point isnt the wording.. just whats going on...

Grey · (This post was last modified: 2011-09-23, 11:20 PM by Grey.)

I don't wanna switch to first person in this story, it's a third person story, definitely...If I come up with a different story, I'll write it in first person to make Nitzy-poo happy.

Nitz_X · 2011-09-23, 11:30 PM

(2011-09-23, 10:08 PM)Dark_Flamez Wrote: i disagree.. if it was in 1st person i feel like it would be a bit awkward.. the way its stated is pretty good... remember the point isnt the wording.. just whats going on...

Excuse me?

It is ALL about the wording, prose, poetry, and literature is the art of manipulating orthodox and unorthodox words. You have just inflicted undue evil to the greatest artisanship To ever see the light gleam off fresh morning dew.

You sir, have wronged the job of a writer. We are artists, handymen who craft our trade with painstaking detail to every line, to every character in the passage.

To say that the wording matters not is blasphemy, an abomination to the artist side of writing.

SparrowHawk · 2011-09-23, 11:33 PM

Stop or be warned. Goes to almost... All of you hooligans :/

Nitz, just leave Grey alone. Let him do what he wants. If he wanted to become a pro at creating stories, he would ask someone.

Nitz_X · 2011-09-23, 11:35 PM

(2011-09-23, 11:33 PM)Deidara Wrote: Stop or be warned. Goes to almost... All of you hooligans :/

Nitz, just leave Grey alone. Let him do what he wants. If he wanted to become a pro at creating stories, he would ask someone.

Only giving my opinion dei. You know I want to be a professional writer, and I can hardly ever help myself when it comes to stories that have potential and can be 400% more awesome if you add in 10 or 12 words.

SparrowHawk · 2011-09-23, 11:39 PM

(2011-09-23, 11:35 PM)Nitz_X Wrote:
(2011-09-23, 11:33 PM)Deidara Wrote: Stop or be warned. Goes to almost... All of you hooligans :/

Nitz, just leave Grey alone. Let him do what he wants. If he wanted to become a pro at creating stories, he would ask someone.
Only giving my opinion dei. You know I want to be a professional writer, and I can hardly ever help myself when it comes to stories that have potential and can be 400% more awesome if you add in 10 or 12 words.

Okay so? You could've posted with a better approach towards Grey. Apparently you hurt his feelings :/

Soooooo... Ask with a polite question and explain your opinion/view on things.

Just let Grey do his things and if he wants a tip on anything, he'll ask. Smile

Nitz_X · 2011-09-23, 11:50 PM

(2011-09-23, 11:39 PM)Deidara Wrote:
(2011-09-23, 11:35 PM)Nitz_X Wrote:
(2011-09-23, 11:33 PM)Deidara Wrote: Stop or be warned. Goes to almost... All of you hooligans :/

Nitz, just leave Grey alone. Let him do what he wants. If he wanted to become a pro at creating stories, he would ask someone.
Only giving my opinion dei. You know I want to be a professional writer, and I can hardly ever help myself when it comes to stories that have potential and can be 400% more awesome if you add in 10 or 12 words.
Okay so? You could've posted with a better approach towards Grey. Apparently you hurt his feelings :/

Soooooo... Ask with a polite question and explain your opinion/view on things.

Just let Grey do his things and if he wants a tip on anything, he'll ask.

*sigh* I was under the impression I WAS being nice, as I like grey, but I saw he didn't take it that way. I believe I said sorry already somewhere, and if I didn't, then sorry, because that was never my intention. I only wanted to give out a little suggestion because when you put work out to the public, people are going to talk about it. If He didn't want any pointers, Why didn't he ask for the topic to be locked?

SparrowHawk · 2011-09-23, 11:52 PM

(2011-09-23, 11:50 PM)Nitz_X Wrote:
(2011-09-23, 11:39 PM)Deidara Wrote:
(2011-09-23, 11:35 PM)Nitz_X Wrote:
(2011-09-23, 11:33 PM)Deidara Wrote: Stop or be warned. Goes to almost... All of you hooligans :/

Nitz, just leave Grey alone. Let him do what he wants. If he wanted to become a pro at creating stories, he would ask someone.
Only giving my opinion dei. You know I want to be a professional writer, and I can hardly ever help myself when it comes to stories that have potential and can be 400% more awesome if you add in 10 or 12 words.
Okay so? You could've posted with a better approach towards Grey. Apparently you hurt his feelings :/

Soooooo... Ask with a polite question and explain your opinion/view on things.

Just let Grey do his things and if he wants a tip on anything, he'll ask.
*sigh* I was under the impression I WAS being nice, as I like grey, but I saw he didn't take it that way. I believe I said sorry already somewhere, and if I didn't, then sorry, because that was never my intention. I only wanted to give out a little suggestion because when you put work out to the public, people are going to talk about it. If He didn't want any pointers, Why didn't he ask for the topic to be locked?

He didn't ask for it to be locked because he wanted people to comment to see if they like his story or not ._.

Lucius · 2011-09-23, 11:57 PM

(2011-09-23, 11:30 PM)Nitz_X Wrote:
(2011-09-23, 10:08 PM)Dark_Flamez Wrote: i disagree.. if it was in 1st person i feel like it would be a bit awkward.. the way its stated is pretty good... remember the point isnt the wording.. just whats going on...
Excuse me?

It is ALL about the wording, prose, poetry, and literature is the art of manipulating orthodox and unorthodox words. You have just inflicted undue evil to the greatest artisanship To ever see the light gleam off fresh morning dew.

You sir, have wronged the job of a writer. We are artists, handymen who craft our trade with painstaking detail to every line, to every character in the passage.

To say that the wording matters not is blasphemy, an abomination to the artist side of writing.

You misunderstood what i was saying... i meant that changing up the wording so it sounds more sophisticated would make no difference.. the story being in 3rd person helps u create a better view to the audience. Using more sophisticated writing isnt suited for this particular audience... not all of them would be able to understand it remember this is a game with many young players..

Nitz_X · 2011-09-24, 12:06 AM

(2011-09-23, 11:57 PM)Dark_Flamez Wrote:
(2011-09-23, 11:30 PM)Nitz_X Wrote:
(2011-09-23, 10:08 PM)Dark_Flamez Wrote: i disagree.. if it was in 1st person i feel like it would be a bit awkward.. the way its stated is pretty good... remember the point isnt the wording.. just whats going on...
Excuse me?

It is ALL about the wording, prose, poetry, and literature is the art of manipulating orthodox and unorthodox words. You have just inflicted undue evil to the greatest artisanship To ever see the light gleam off fresh morning dew.

You sir, have wronged the job of a writer. We are artists, handymen who craft our trade with painstaking detail to every line, to every character in the passage.

To say that the wording matters not is blasphemy, an abomination to the artist side of writing.
You misunderstood what i was saying... i meant that changing up the wording so it sounds more sophisticated would make no difference.. the story being in 3rd person helps u create a better view to the audience. Using more sophisticated writing isnt suited for this particular audience... not all of them would be able to understand it remember this is a game with many young players..

Ah, Well I prefer more sophisticated words that are majestic and grand, but I do believe you have a point, Grey is good at reaching this audience.

However, on my original point, the story has the 'Its there, that's it" feel. It kinda lacks the buildup of suspense IMO. POV might help, but you may be right, it might not aid the tale.

But when i Here "So and so walked into camp and saw this and this" Its just so, bland, I mean, it kinda fails to colour the scene. Yes, it did fulfill its purpose, but It would be much more fun to know what color the camp tent is, is it perhaps holding some rainwater from the recent storm and reflecting a faint rainbow in the sky? is the fire burning bright hot, or is it simmering coals (maybe there is no fire at all because of the rain making all the wood wet!)