[Dark Espeon]

One And All
Time flows as a serpent of the one
power that interweaves in a flow that makes the wheel turn and life to go on
eternally. Not many on earth believe this happens. Most believe in god as a
covenant and many in their own way. Ever since Rand Al’thor defeated the Dark
One he has taken it upon himself to look upon our world in great sorrow seeing
a new world through a gateway he accidentally created while fighting Shaitan.
The area he was looking at was what we would call a small town in the Rocky
Mountains known locally as Leadville Colorado. It had been three long and
miserable months since he won and was still alive only to have the memory of
his time in the world again to be only his and not that of Lews Therin Telamons.
He had thought to go through and see if anyone can learn to use saidin there
was times when he almost stepped through the gateway and into the world called
earth.
It was a strange world where people
seemed to dress in a weird way. He had no notion of controlling this world and
making them change to his world’s way of life. He had changed man kind in his
world and in doing so he tore his people apart. He felt dread everyday and
wished he didn’t have had to fight the dark one. Though in doing so he had become
himself again. In the discovering that the dark one was him but a darker part
of him that he dispelled of with a whole night of chasing him using and blasting Bale Fire till at last he hit
shaitin and he poofed out of existence.
Disapearing in a wonderful display of
light that killed him in seconds. He was no more as neither was Lews Therin
Telamon. It was weird that he still remembered every weve of saidin he had used
when he was part of lews Therin. Lord of the morning as he was known to be.
They were one until the end of Tarmon Gaidan. The thing is there was something
he had realized in the fight. Everywhere he was fighting there were tuggings
all over his body that he did not think of as of importants. The fight was all
that was on his mind. He was energy. He was light. He was the morning sun. He
should have exploded with how much saidin he was drawing. Though he felt
invincible. He was tearing up on the inside.
Rand, you wool-brain Min said; step
away from there. It may not be safe to be near that. Min I think I can tell
which is, and is not safe to do. It is my fault that I opened a never closing
gateway to another world. I should have paid more heed to what weeves I used
when fighting the Dark One. Even he looked scared of the gateway. Rand, don’t
you think the reason for that is because no one knows whats on the other side.
The people there could decide to come take over our world and we might not be
able to defeat them. We just finished Tarmon Gaidan. We do not need another war
on our hands. Min I know that we don’t need another war on our hands. We would
not survive two minutes in battle. They have weapons of mass distruction. Ones
our scholars would not even dream of unless they sought to destroy our world as
they are doing to theres. I want our world to heal and prosper before letting
it bring on another big war. Maybe not ever to another war. All we do is bring
destruction to our homes and make things worse in trying to make things better.
There is something I want to do in that world. I want to see if any of them can
learn saidin.
Ten feet to Rands left was a weary
looking moraine. He had thought her dead untill Mat a friend from the two
rivers who also had a big part in this war succeeding brought her to him. He
almost tore himself apart at seeing her. Moraine was the first Aes Sadie he had
ever met. The one he trusted the most you could say. He looked back at the
gateway to a place he learnd called Earth and that there were buidings bigger
that that of the white tower. He would go out into that world without Min or
anyone for that matter. Things were quite in this world after the long war. He
did not want anyone to come with him for fear of the people of earth finding
this gateway. Not unless they swore not to tell anyone and that they could
never come back to there world.

[orboknown]

Moved to userpenned stories, will R&R later

[Knost]

It's a little difficult to read as it is Dark.

I re-wrote the first couple of sentences to make them match the word flow you used to start the book, but I didn't understand the connection between the subject of line 1-3 and the subject of line 4-8.

'Time moves as one power, interweaving and shifting like a serpent in an ebb and flow that makes the wheel of life turn eternally. It has been this way since the beginning, though not many on earth could even conceive such a truth. Some on earth contend that time started with what they would call 'God' while other's, stating that such a being was improbable, used there time to study and believe in what they could see and feel, as it seemed more logical.'


That's probably not a great example (as I was confused why you were starting the book the way you did), but I think you need to clean up your wording and solidify the scenes you're trying to paint with your words. Also I understand this is part of a series, but imo it's your job as the storyteller to make sure everyone can follow you and the characters as if it were the first time they where hearing about them.


If the story is primarily about humans and their iterations w/ the supernatural being's, then I could see you starting it the way you did, but if the story is about the supernatural being's almost exclusively then I would start with line four (didn't re-write this one) "Ever since Rand Al’thor defeated the DarkOne he has taken it upon himself to look over earth, in great sorrow, seeinga new world through a gateway he accidentally created while fighting Shaitan."