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the battle vs. Guardian Graphite!
blackwayve Offline
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Post: #1
the battle vs. Guardian Graphite!
Diana finally got to town and saw a man selling some odd produces, examples of which include bubbling brew stock and anger powder stones, she decided to get an amulet for good luck and left for the gym. the gym she dealt with happened to be water based allowing her to train all her members and reach the leader. "so you ready for defeat?" the leader spoke. "don't think I'll go easy on you!" Diana replied and with that the battle for the badge began and ended soon after... as she began to leave town with badge in hand she was stopped. "so your the new trainer i heard about..." the mysterious person spoke blocking Diana from traveling any further. "need something mister?" Diana asked. "He he he... my boss lord Korrupt wants you out of the way and i plan on doing exactly that Missy... prepare yourself kid it's time to battle me! Guardian Graphite! not one moment after saying that Diana had to fight him and after a solid hour of having to weaken his mons Diana finally had enough and struck him with everything her mons could dish out causing Graphite to lose at the last minute. "what? no! Impossible!!!" Graphite slowly backed away from Diana having one last thing to say... "you may have beat me for now but i will return and stronger then ever! He he he!" and with that he ran while Diana wondered something realizing something really bad... "wait he said he was sent by... Lord Korrupt??!! that means.. k. lamity was telling the truth... i have to continue my journey!" and she left twords the next town only stopping to heal her team..

[end part 5 of chapter 1]
hello people of the light and fellow darksiders shall the darkness protect you!

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04-22-2013 12:47 PM
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Mister Emissary Offline
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Post: #2
RE: the battle vs. Guardian Graphite!
Hm... there's quite a glaring problem with this: And it's even the format! (Which there are a few too many to list right off the bat.) It's the description. I get the feeling that you didn't want to actually write much to begin with.

See, here's the problem; what's exactly going on? It's not the characters I'm confused about, it's the battles, or more so the lack thereof. Which monsters did Diana start with? How close was she really to losing against Graphite? It feels like you've left me to make assumptions because you didn't feel like actually announcing what happened. That's very bad for an action story. (Which I'm assuming this is.)

Plot is very important to a story, but simply skimming over important sequences like battles which could be a life or death situation, that's just lazy. Undecided

I won't bother going into format style, because if you're not even willing to try writing the furthering of a bond between a trainer and his/her monsters through defending his/her life, the idea of changing styles would probably be too much to ask.

Keep trying, you can probably do way better than this if you focus. I hope to see improvement by your next update, but I won't be forcing you or anything.
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(This post was last modified: 04-24-2013 08:13 PM by Mister Emissary.)
04-24-2013 08:10 PM
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blackwayve Offline
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Posts: 38
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Post: #3
RE: the battle vs. Guardian Graphite!
(04-24-2013 08:10 PM)Mister Emissary Wrote:  Hm... there's quite a glaring problem with this: And it's even the format! (Which there are a few too many to list right off the bat.) It's the description. I get the feeling that you didn't want to actually write much to begin with.

See, here's the problem; what's exactly going on? It's not the characters I'm confused about, it's the battles, or more so the lack thereof. Which monsters did Diana start with? How close was she really to losing against Graphite? It feels like you've left me to make assumptions because you didn't feel like actually announcing what happened. That's very bad for an action story. (Which I'm assuming this is.)

Plot is very important to a story, but simply skimming over important sequences like battles which could be a life or death situation, that's just lazy. Undecided

I won't bother going into format style, because if you're not even willing to try writing the furthering of a bond between a trainer and his/her monsters through defending his/her life, the idea of changing styles would probably be too much to ask.

Keep trying, you can probably do way better than this if you focus. I hope to see improvement by your next update, but I won't be forcing you or anything.

to be completely honest i'm terrible at writing (this literally being the second story i am writing) and it doesn't help that i happen to be autistic but i can see what your saying i shall try to fix that but don't expect perfect writing... (also sorry about the poor battle scripting x-x still working on a few things [not exactly good with battles yet i'll work on that])
hello people of the light and fellow darksiders shall the darkness protect you!

[Image: blackwayve_sig_by_seviper3-d5cijum.jpg]
05-13-2013 03:20 PM
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