Poll: How may I improve the quality of this story?
This poll is closed.
I can't think of anything right now
37.50%
Not enough info in the intro
0%
I don't feel attached toward the main character
37.50%
You needed to describe the environments better
0%
You gotta work on the sentence structure
25.00%
You can't write. Period.
0%
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Shadows - short story
#1
What's up ducks? I came up with a simple idea for a story in the hopes of making the fanfiction forum a bit more active. Please Feel free to correct any grammar and sentence structure errors that you find, as well as voting in the poll, and giving me constructive criticism.

Story notes:
This is a monstermmorpg related story.
Shadows is a horror and tragedy tale. This is intended to be a short story.
I'm aware that there are religious words such as: "holy" and "Hell" and "soul" in this story. Those words are intended to merely enhance the mood.
end

Lets begin, shall we? Blush

table of contents
(1) introduction - a dozen paragraphs long
(2) chapter 1 - ten paragraphs and a few little conversions

Shadows
Introduction
Volinuso has always been a sinister forest filled with hellish horrors beyond imagining. A dangerous forest that will never be inhabited by humans and sane monsters. A land which frightens even the most hardened adventurer, a land where death is certain for anyone who enters its hideous doors.

The environment of this wicked land is dark and vast, with many places for predators to lurk, with few places for travelers to hide.

Volinuso has attracted innumerable evil beings into its arms. No matter how independent, brave, loyal, or pure a creature is when it tries to navigate through this land, rest assured, if they ever make it out, they will become demonic and depressed.

Countless legends and fables are related to this land, and every one of those tales, who are filled with stories of suicide, bodies of dead children, and poisonous fruits urge would-be travelers to prevent themselves from crossing this Hell on Earth.
____________________


Most unfortunately, crossing this Hell is required for access to the city of Teen, the primary trading center in all the lands. If one desires to be able to collect more than enough money to feed themselves and their families, if one wishes to be financially independent and secure for the rest of their lives, if one wants to reach their dreams, they must set up shop in Teen, and to access Teen, one must cross Volinuso, the land of cursed souls.

Many would avoid even going near this cursed land if they could help it, but the life of a human is very hard indeed. Too many traders, businessman, monster tamers, military, and doctors who are struggling through life are forced to attempt journeys through Hell on Earth, and so they pay the ultimate price.
____________________


The leaders of the known world have repeatedly brought up the oldest subjects in history, all of them relating to Volinuso: The taming of the demons, the clearing of the tress, the construction of way stations, medical facilities, and guard posts, and the possibility of installing secured roads. Nature, however, has complete disregard for men, as the plans listed above and more have already been tried, and have already failed.

While the leaders are struggling to come up with a realistic strategy against the cursed forest, countless human beings are pouring through its doors, disregarding the dangers and thinking more about their livelihoods.
____________________


You may ask, dear readers, why many risk their lives in this treacherous place. Why would anyone venture through this cursed land just to become successful? Because of greed? Pride? Because they want to attract a prominent spouse?

No, my friends, this world is a lot less materialistic then we think it is. These folks don't want to become rich for the sake of being rich. They want to become rich for their families. The promise of wealth equals to the promise of your children and descendants never getting hungry. Wealth alone is enough to drive these people into Volinuso. That may sound crazy and selfish to us, but to them, it is not. That reason may sound psychopathic to us, but to them, it is not.
____________________


This story covers the life of a rather humble youth from the village of Yomaska, a charming settlement in the south. This boy has a rather relaxed nature and enjoys peaceful activities such as fishing, canoeing, and tree harvesting. This is a boy whose life suddenly turned in the direction of Volinuso, the forest whom all fear.

You may think that this young blood will perish in Volinuso before he can travel half a mile through it, but remember that there is always hope and light in every situation, no matter how dark and deep it may be. There is hope everywhere, and there is hope for the boy named Mark. As a cute kindergarden class once chanted:
holy holy is my soul
but tainted is my heart
to make up for my evil deeds I shall pack up and depart
traveling through the evil lands shall cleanse my mind and heart
so even if I bleed and die my soul shall stay alive
even if I die in spite my soul shall stay alive
My soul will never die

End of introduction
#2
I like it
Quote: Do you hear the Whisper Men The Whisper Men are near
If you hear the Whisper Men then turn away your ears
Do not hear the Whisper Men whatever else you do
For once you've heard the Whisper Men they'll stop. And look at you.
#3
(10-29-2013, 10:28 PM)orboknown Wrote: I like it

Huh You read fast!! Confused
#4
Very.
Quote: Do you hear the Whisper Men The Whisper Men are near
If you hear the Whisper Men then turn away your ears
Do not hear the Whisper Men whatever else you do
For once you've heard the Whisper Men they'll stop. And look at you.
#5
This is interesting. In fact, I plan to make Volinuso a home to my inner insanity. Where can I locate a similar place to this? ^^
Hehehe..

Also, that little poem, song, verse thing.. I like it.

Seriously, give me a map to this place. I will live in it lol.
#6
You don't live in this place, you conquer it
Quote: Do you hear the Whisper Men The Whisper Men are near
If you hear the Whisper Men then turn away your ears
Do not hear the Whisper Men whatever else you do
For once you've heard the Whisper Men they'll stop. And look at you.
#7
(10-30-2013, 08:09 AM)orboknown Wrote: You don't live in this place, you conquer it
I don't need to conquer it. It seems like a decent place to live in.
#8
Its like living in the antimatter universe though
Quote: Do you hear the Whisper Men The Whisper Men are near
If you hear the Whisper Men then turn away your ears
Do not hear the Whisper Men whatever else you do
For once you've heard the Whisper Men they'll stop. And look at you.
#9
Beautiful ;-;
[Image: 11jozyq.jpg]
#10
wonderful :.)
#11
Your paragraphs seem a bit displaced (? can't really think of the right word atm...) imo...
But I quite like it Smile I also really liked the chant at the end. Volinuso sounds like a delightful place to live

Also, it's hard to feel attached to a main character who we have only a description of... I don't think this should really be an option in your poll atm Tongue We need more story before we can form something like this!
[Image: attachment.php?aid=448]
~^±|I|±^~Pyro Piglet~^±|I|±^~ 
»»»»»»[IGN: Tanklet]««««««
Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
#12
(11-02-2013, 02:50 PM)Pyro Piglet Wrote: Your paragraphs seem a bit displaced (? can't really think of the right word atm...) imo...

You noticed! I purposely switched a couple of the paragraphs around.

(11-02-2013, 02:50 PM)Pyro Piglet Wrote: But I quite like it Smile I also really liked the chant at the end. Volinuso sounds like a delightful place to live

Smile Is the chant seriously that good?

(11-02-2013, 02:50 PM)Pyro Piglet Wrote: Also, it's hard to feel attached to a main character who we have only a description of... I don't think this should really be an option in your poll atm Tongue We need more story before we can form something like this!

Yeah, I jumped the gun. I already made chapter 1 for Shadows, but its more like introduction, part 2, so I didn't add it.
#13
the intro isn't bad, but the chant is...idk o.o
#14
Shadows
chapter 1

The village of Yomaska has been buzzing with activity for the past few weeks. In celebration of the long-dead hero: Marus Ohnman, who single handily defeated a group of evil zeniths with just a Rubtilia, lavish parades, clowns, and food were provided for intense entertainment. Children banished all kinds of stylish props. Every T.V has tuned in for the special addition of a show which airs once every decade.

The main attraction of this event is the monster arena. In honor of Marus Ohnman's unmatched bravery and skill, the villagers of Yomaska volunteer to hunt and capture monsters to donate to the arena, where they will fight to the bitter end. The villagers will place bets on their favorite monsters, and the angry monster who wins gets to eat it's prey, have pictures taken of it, and while roaring at the villagers, has it's head cut off and mounted on a stick, where it will remain forever until the elements uproot it.

I know what you're thinking, dear readers. Remember, this world operates much differently than ours. These people have a different sense of right and wrong. They live in a world of monsters, remember that, folks. Wink

Ohnman is indeed a legend, worthy of his honor and holiday. On a bitter winder night above Yomaska's highlands, clouds of darkness formed, breeding creatures of darkness, a malevolent force. Had it not been for Ohnman's habit for hiking with his friend and teammate, Rubtilia, at late night, he would not have noticed the dark army assembling above him, and in turn, would not have been able to alert the village guard of the coming danger.

The village guard sounded the alarms, bells of unknown metal, gifts from the Heavens, to alert the town. By then the clouds have bred enough forces to launch their attacks on the weak village, but Marus Ohnman managed to single handily repel them all with sheer bravery, skill, faith, and Rubtilia.

To make a long chapter shorter, Marus Ohnman deserved the praise he received on that night, as well as the praise aimed toward him even after his untimely death.

__________

With all the commotion, with all the dancers and clowns, with all the stalls selling to great groups of men, woman, and children, and with all the houses lit up and fed with fire, there was one single person who isn't joining in the celebrations. There is only one house, dug into a hill, that was not lit. A house that isn't filled with laughter and holiday joy, but with gloom.

Through the crowds of happy villagers, to the front wooden door, through that door into the dark, quiet living room, past that room into a hallway of rocks, and through this hallway into a tunnel which leads down into a second living room with three doors. Three doors. Two closed, one open. The open door had light pouring out of it, but no cheer, no happiness, no laughter. Through this door, soft crying can be heard, the crying of a young boy.

Entering this door may prove risky, for the boy's privacy must be respected, but for the sake of the story, we shall enter anyway.

__________

The small boy looks around age 14, fair and handsome. His hair close cropped and simple. This boy is leaning on the bed, pouring out small steams of thick tears. His knees are collapsed onto the ground. His sadness infects the entire room, so that even the golden cat statuette perched on the bedside desk looks gloomy. This poor boy raises his head -we now know he has bright blue eyes- and looks at the window, filled with the bright colors from fireworks and other dangerous yet joyful explosions.

boom boom
The explosions rip the sky, and with each one, the boy threatens to unleash more tears. Why is he so sad? Confused
boom boom
The boy takes a small book near him and hides it under the bed, underneath a hidden panel in the floor, then gets up and climbs onto the window, reaching out for the handle.

boom boom
He hears people calling for him at the front door of the house. He doesn't seem to want to answer them. He turns back to the window and switches the handle.
"Matt? Are you here? Matt?" someone bellows.
The boy hesitates, hearing the voice of a young woman, who appears to now be in the hallway of rocks.
"Matt?"
"Where is he?" The voice of another boy can be heard.

The boy named Matt remains frozen, his hands over the open window His face is now hardened and strong -much different from a moment ago- he seems to be thinking hard about something.
boom boom

"Matthew, please!"
Matthew hears the footsteps of others racing through the front door.
"Where's the boy?"
"That kid," the rough, exhausted voice of a man could be heard. "is going to get it!"

Matthew hears the sound of footsteps in the tunnel.
"Matt?"
"Hey, Matt. Buddy, are you there?"

boom boom
Matthew hesitated again, his face showing a blur of emotions.

"Mom! This door is open!"
boom boom
Matthew made up his mind.
boom boom boom boom
The sounds of the explosions drown out the boy's sobs, as well as the sound of his feet over the window, so that his brother, the other boy, could hear.

This boy charges into the lit room. He is similar in statue to Matthew, and his face is filled with fear, extreme fear.
He dashes over to the open window, which he notices immediately, climbs swiftly onto it, and peers down at the ocean below. Nothing can be seen.

"Matthew!" The mother exclaimed at the door.
The boy looked at his mother. "He's not here."
boom boom boom boom

Sad
End of chapter 1

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